National Suicide Prevention Month: A Glimpse Into Babydoll’s Suicidal Thoughts
(Trigger Warning: This story contains graphic depictions of suicide attempts.) Since September is National Suicide Prevention Month, it’s my hope that sharing a bit of my story may help someone through their battle. I use the word through intentionally as a reminder that there is another side to not wanting to be here with the ones we love. In fact, one of my closest friends told me a few years ago, that once your mind starts to think of suicide it means your brain is beginning to come up with solutions. So now it helps me to remember that once I push through that thought my brain is capable of helping me come up with other ways to manage those emotions driving me to think of unaliving myself.
My first suicide attempt was in the 5th grade, which sounds insane to say looking back on my life. I just remember struggling to complete the coursework in my gifted classes. It was never because I lacked understanding of the material, but because of an inability to calm my racing thoughts long enough to focus on completion of tasks. That negative voice in my head would get so loud reminding me that people were always judging me and making fun of my failures. I’ve since learned that most humans are far too self-absorbed to put that much thought into me. Still, in moments of feeling suicidal, it’s important for loved ones to remember that the thoughts we feed ourselves sometimes get more real than actual reality.
That year I tried to slit my wrists, repeatedly. I failed again and again each time finding new ways to hide my scars physically and emotionally. I had experienced trauma that previous summer that I didn’t feel like I could tell a soul. So, I internalized my own confusion, shame, and pain. It evolved into dissociation, a mental process where a person disconnects from their thoughts, feelings, memories, or sense of identity. I buried my trauma somewhere in my mind but kept the negative emotions that accompanied it. This is why it’s so important to recognize and get help when we see changes in the people we love. A mental health professional would have taught me healthy ways to cope and heal.
The thing many of us don’t realize about trauma is that it’s mostly self-inflicted. That thing that created the traumatic memory in your brain only happened when it was happening. After that each time we remember the experience we retraumatize ourselves. We relive the same fear, pain, and confusion repeatedly. And it can feel overwhelming and consuming.
But there is hope. Through therapy and tools like mindfulness, we can learn to process our trauma in a healthy way. We can learn to detach ourselves from the negative emotions associated with the memory and find ways to cope that don’t involve avoidance or dissociation.
It’s important for all of us to educate ourselves on mental health and recognize when someone we love may be struggling. With support, understanding, and proper treatment, those who have experienced trauma can heal and live fulfilling lives.
Don’t let shame or stigma prevent you from seeking help for yourself or your loved ones. Let’s break the cycle of self-inflicted trauma and embrace healing together.
